Boo.

I’ve been insane a lot lately. Especially yesterday. Woke up and couldn’t function. Had to phone my dad and say I wasn’t able to move, or dress myself, or do anything. So could he come and fix me and get me to work on time. Totally a proud moment..

Decided to go to the doctors to see about help again. Confirmed I am infact a mental person. But they did offer to help me, so I’m doing that.

I hope it works.

Today has been a headache; and I keep making things worse for myself.

I think into things way too much, I get offended too easily. I don’t seem to be able to trust people, and I don’t like this feeling of being useless. And not being important.

I want to be needed, and I want to mean something. But I don’t know if I do.

This is all coming out like a big ol’ slice of mental pie, but still.

I don’t like how separate I am to everything else. And how life has gone on without me, and now I have to take second place, and hope that I can fit in somewhere.

My own fault really, but it doesn’t half burn to see it.

I’m making no sense.

IMA GO BREAK STUFF! ^-^

x 

Done some good stuff at work, so I’ve let myself relax a little. 

It’s been full of happy happy times, and too much physical activity for one weekend :P

I was tricked into all of these things. Tricked with the lure of a picnic into walking miles. Did not want. Still, it was really nice to be outside doing something, with awesome peoples. 

I like the feeling of getting myself back. I haven’t felt right, or like me at all in so long. Now it feels like I’m coming back. Obviously I’ll never be the same, but I can be okay enough to get through.

But yea, a really good weekend. 

I’m completely exhausted after it. Should’ve spent my day off today sorting myself out for work tomorrow. But I didn’t :P

Took Alan to the vets this morning for his sex change. He is no longer a real man. His back legs don’t work yet and he doesnt understand why. Just stumbling about looking confused and dazed and doing sad meows. He’s eating though, which is good.

Hopefully he’ll sleep it off. Little crackhead that he is.

Going to go watch things in bed now, and deal with the world tomorrow.

x

I don’t even know what’s happening really. Or what has happened.

Friday, I had to just disconnect from everything. Couldn’t cope with how different or surprising people can be. And not in a good way. Feeling like something you thought was stable, and supporting you; just crumbled beneath your feet. So I got drunk.

Saturday I went into auto-pilot. But got to be a zombie. Which was awesome. For Lee’s book launch and then the zombie walk. Met some rather good people and got to be a twat for the day. Good times. Then I got drunk. 

Sunday is blurry. Drinking gin at 11 again with andy. I’ve done too much drinking this weekend. My spleen does not approve. Then Lina came and sorted my head out abit for me. She’s good like that. <3

Monday involved watching videos of agressive midgets and Alan got his peenz out for everyone. Sexy Alan the perv cat strikes again. My flatmates are awesome to me. I like how we’ve got a little family going, and how they totally look out for me.

Stan came over too. Was really nice to see him, we watched films and ate too much. With everything that’s been going on it felt good to just be around someone who knows me as well as he does. I actually felt a little bit like me again. 

I think I need people who make me feel like that around me, and need to get rid of the ones who don’t. 

Yesterday was a total headfuck. From the minute I left the house, everything went wrong. I couldn’t concentrate at work after it all. Carlo wasn’t happy about it, he doesn’t want my personal life affecting my work, or the atmosphere at the shop. 

It was like everywhere I looked in my life something was going wrong, and the only bits that seem right are the bits I’m scared of, and am confused by.

Got home, motherbear was upset again. Got online, got a wall of rant, got to bed, couldn’t sleep. Got to sleep, and didnt hear my phone go off. Massive fail of a day.

Hopefully this one will be better. Looking forward to friday, and my long weekend off. 

That’s what will get me through the next few days.

x

It’s made my day though really. And it’s all Lady Gaga’s fault. I’ve been watching monsters ball too much. Pesky thing.

Anyway, I’ve been a miserable bint in my last few entries. I still am, but I thought I’d write about something else for a change.

This weekend for example. It should be pretty awesome.

Friday night I’m going to see Laconia and EnterTheLexicon, I’m quite excited because EnterTheLexicon impress the shit out of me, and because Laconia are releasing their new EP, and because I’ll get to go out and see people. And hopefully not get upset/make a twat of myself as usual.

Saturday is a zombie day! Yaaaay I’m guna be sick! Going to the book launch of the Zombie Anthology written by the lovely Mr Lee Kelly, husband of my dearest Jenny Wooh! Followed by the zombie walk in town with Steph! And then going to dance around at Jenny’s! If I can pester a way home. 

Sunday I’ve no clue what I’m doing, should probably get some work done and save some money, but since I’m not at work monday, I’d quite like to do something for that too! 

I stared/sniffed at the cawfee in someone else’s cup while they were drinking it today :/ It’s not healthy is that. Looking forward to getting a starbucks or something on friday or saturday; BECAUSE I CAN. 

Thinking I’ll go in the shower now, so I’m sparkly cleeeaaaan! And cake flavoured. I do like to be cake flavoured. 

Then I’m going to get on with working out my set. So far it consists of 3 medleys, simply because I can’t choose between songs. Except the styles and artists of the covers I’ve chosen don’t match. AT ALL. So I’ll have to do some magic. Going to do a special webcam performance to a select few to make sure I don’t sound like a dick. Not that they make sounds. But yknow. PEEENZ.

I miss playing live. I’ve never been very good at it, I always intend to do better than I do. But I think I might make a special effort at Jeff Fest in July to really do something special. Since it’s Jeff Fest, and probably my last gig with Dark Self. QQ.

I’ve bought some fancy leather pants, and a fancy steampunk corset thingy, and some other ridiculous clothes. Might dress up like a twat and have myself a good prance about for old times sake.

x

And that Dr. Grant in Jurassic Park, IS ALSO CALLED ALAN. 

Check that shit out. My cat has dinosaur reference. Best cat ever. 

He’s also a Reverend so he can forgive my sins and shit, which today include having two breakfasts coz I’m such a beast, and drinking tea :/ I actually drank tea. Been unfaithful to my beloved cawfee. Forgive me Alan, for I have sinned. 

I’ve been sent home from work. Which is a shame, because I had some good tattoos in today. But I just totally failed this morning.

Cried on the bus to work. Cried to my dad before going to work. Cried at work. 

Think I’m going to have to go and see a counsellor person again. 

I want someone to come in, and look after me. Or just tell me how to be alright. Coz I’m clearly doing it wrong.

Absolutely pissing down outside, at my parents house, forgot my mouse so cant play any games, left my hard drive in gosforth so cant do any work..

Might just snuggle up in bed and watch lie to me and eat chocolate. 

/Productive day five!

x

Its rainy and windy outside, I want cuddles inside. Fail.

I got tattooed today. I hope she knows.

x

x